Announcing My Evil Plot to Take Over the World

I'm going to state, for the record, so that any of you out there who aren't quite as rational as others of us when you read this, will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am totally can completely serious in what I am about to say...

I'll leave you all with that thought as we begin.

I am setting out, beginning this coming Saturday, to take over the world. Planet Earth will, at the completion of my quest, be renamed as Htrae. There are reasons for the choice of this name that will become evident as my thought processes unfold here.

The decision to take on a grand scheme such as this is not one that comes spur of the moment. Usually. No, instead and indeed, the decision for such great and powerful quests often are inspired by the request (demands) of one individual upon another to inspire the onset of such an event, and in this case, that demand has been the demand of "I need for there to be 36 hours in a day. ARRANGE IT." The one who made mention of the need for a 36-hour day shall for the moment remain unnamed.

And so, my friends, soon to be my minions, I have decided that come this Saturday, I will indeed embark upon my quest to take the world over and do just that. It will be a major undertaking, requiring much effort, much financing (I'm starting the funding with 74 cents that I've just pulled out of my pocket, donations will be appreciated and expected as you begin to understand that it's all going to be mine in the end anyway), and a great deal of being able to handle the stress of being the benevolent and just dictator that I intend to be.

The exact ways and means of how I will accomplish this will come to light as they are undertaken (i.e. it will be made up as I go along), but KNOW THIS, there will be changes.

Oh yes, there will be changes.

First will be the matter of the 36 hour day. I intend to have a team of the worlds top astro-physicists working on the problem from the outset of the initial take-overs. There task will be to find some way to extend the day from it's current 24 hours into 36. I do know enough about the subject to realize that there will have to be other changes made as well, due to the change of climate that is certain to occur, one can not extend the number of hours in a day without changing the orbit of the earth itself, after all. This will lead to an extension of how long a week is, how long a month is, how long a year is, so forth and so on.

As you can see, my scheme will affect time itself. Time will no longer be relevant in the way we understand it now. Our entire way of thinking will have to change.

One thing is for certain, however: my conquest of the world and the moving of the planet's orbit around the sun will definitely cause Al Gore to sleep more easily at night, as I will have been the catalyst for ending "global warming."

This will lead to another problem, however, and as one who is highly fond of the bikini (thong bikinis in particular), I have already taken this into consideration and have a plan for making sure that this very important (skimpy) outfit survives the coming winter. Domed communities. That's right, we're going to begin an immediate construction of domes to enclose our communities so that the temperatures can be regulated so that in any city your benevolent dictator visits the uniform of the day will be thong bikinis for the ladies who wear them and love them. I'll be a hero of international acclaim for this.

I love being me.

Under my rule, unemployment will not be a problem, either, on the same note. There will have to be massive construction projects going on around the world to ensure that my plan comes to full fruition. Millions of workers will be employed in the construction of the domes and the subsequent environmental systems that will maintain them. Further, there will have to be massive changes made in agriculture that will lead to work for masses of people as new ways of growing food can be put into practice. Every meal will be a feast fit for a king, or in the case of the new world order, a benevolent dictator.

I will also solve the problems of fuel requirements for transportation; there will be none, unless I approve it. I will have to have a massive staff for the handling of requests FOR transportation, which again goes back into how I'm going to solve unemployment.

There will also be a massive drop in crime under my plan, as everyone will be required to be armed (with orders and instructions, of course, that there will be no coups attempted to overthrow my regime. I have to be the one in charge or it all falls apart).

The media doesn't escape my all encompassing eye nor my compassion. Anyone broadcasting the news will have to do so naked. There will be no more tailored suits and such for news broadcasters. Simple psychology comes into play with this one. One is much less likely to try to spin their own political ideology into a news report if they have to be on camera naked. One particular CBS anchor comes to mind that has inspired this edict. Yes, Katie, I have figured out how to bring you in from the far left.

Berkeley, California, you have not escaped my notice, either. You, Berkeley, will become the new home for two very important things, you will become the home to a United States Marine Corps boot camp facility, and that same base will be the home of the United States Marine Corps band. There will be mandatory nightly concerts in front of Berkeley City Hall, and the wearing of pink will be outlawed. Unless it comes in the form of a pink thong bikini.

Under my rule homicide bombings will become a thing of the past. Potential terrorists will be rounded up and enter reeducation programs, in which they will be forced to watch RENT for 24 hours out of the new 36 hour day, so that they can learn one word; INDIVIDUALISM. This will be a graduated process, from which they move on from watching RENT to reading The Fountainhead, Atlas Shrugged, and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

YES, my friends, there are going to be changes.

The Mountain Gorilla will become a saved species, as I have a particular use for them. Every child molester and child abuser, wife beater, so forth and so on will be sentenced to a ten by ten steel cage that they will share with a silverback mountain gorilla. If they survive, they will be told that they have been rehabilitated and that no one expects to see them come back for a repeat offense.

Reality Television will be outlawed, unless it is as original and creative as Stan Lee's "Who Wants to be a Superhero?"

Hollywood will put their political leanings into a new use: there will be no protest movies, all politically-based movies will have to, in some way, pay homage to me.

No commentary will be allowed that is in any way anything less than complimentary to me. Ann Coulter will remain exempt in this edict, as she will be assigned the task of making sure that I remain "grounded." One can not allow one's ego to become TOO large, after all.

Politicians will no longer be necessary. I will be in charge of all things governmental. Those currently serving in political office will be subject to a tribunal process, headed by me, to determine if they have actually been doing the work of the voting public or working for their own self-interests. I am, after all, going to be benevolent. The people will be my priority.

Oh yes, there will be changes...

And to think, it all was inspired by the call for a 36 hour day.

Once and Always, an American Fighting Man (on his way to world dominance...)


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Truth Revealed...

I have another family dinner to head off to here in a few minutes.

Before I go, I wanted to leave you with something so disturbing, and so profound, it will change your lives forever. It was sent to me some years ago and I can assure you I've never looked at the world the in the same way since learning this truth. I know there will be some detractors come out of the woodwork; there always are. The simple fact, however, is that if you take the lessons that you're about to learn, the information that is forthcoming, and use it in your daily interactions, you WILL see the world in an entirely new light.

I'm going to sign now so that the message is not disturbed, for this is highly important information that needs to be shared.

Once and Always, an American Fighting Man

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY


Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


Day number 181


8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


Day number 182


8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY


DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I
once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair... must try this
on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason
I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a
burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent
such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between
my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of
"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkeys and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to
be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports
my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety
is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...


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